As Brene Brown says, boundaries are the most loving thing you can give to someone. They’re also the most loving things we can give ourselves.
In some cases, creating and holding boundaries is crystal clear. We all have those times where we know for sure our ‘no’ and our ‘yes.’ We know these somatically. We feel them.
These strong explicit or overt boundaries are essential. They keep us safe and they help us move forward from our primal and wise centers.
What we’re not always aware of are energetic or subtle boundaries. These may be unconscious or implicit.
These energetic boundaries are where we hold our beliefs and values on a more subtle level. We learned these subtle boundaries when we were very young or through stress, trauma and our overculture training.
Most of us find our value in this world by our ability to be useful. In many ways, this simple concept holds us in our circles of belonging. We may have maladaptive boundaries from this need for belonging. This usefulness is often equated with our value. This is true for both women and men.
Women and men, however, are assigned different value by our societies and cultures.
Historically, men have been required to carry overt responsibility. Men have also been granted implicit (not overtly stated) permission to gather whatever resources they need to fulfill this responsibility. Males learned this unconsciously or implicitly from both women and men as they matured, many times to the detriment of women.
Women have been unconsciously required to have less in terms of power, leadership and resources. Our historically lower social position (and value) has required us to subtly or underhandedly gather resources to advance our lives or careers — often to the detriment of other women.
While men have been expected (from our overculture) to become autonomous leaders, women are not granted that explicit expectation. Or space to do so.
Which means, as women, we’re going to have to claim it. (Some men may need to do this as well.)
In order to claim our space and value, we’re going to have to make clear and overt requests and set clear and explicit boundaries to honor these requests.
Enforcing boundaries requires a fair bit of nervous system capacity.
As women request and claim our space with boundaries we are balancing our inherent masculine and feminine qualities. As we do this, we offer the opportunity for men to reclaim their feminine qualities and heal their masculine. (Humans have both masculine and feminine qualities.)
This is an experience of individuation.
In simple terms, individuation is maturity. It’s the process of incorporating the conscious and unconscious parts of our psyche (soul) to grow into our own unique, individual self. Individuation requires the removal of unconscious and conscious beliefs and patterns that were projected onto us and into our energetic system.
Our individuation process has its foundation in our boundaries and values. Boundaries help us know what we like and what we dislike. Our likes and dislikes are preferences, both inherent and developed. Boundaries show us our values.
Earlier this year I was sitting with my family and one of them asked what would be three traits friends would use to best describe us.
When it came to me, the one that I remember most was ‘selfless.’ Ooof.
I don’t want to be selfless. I do want to be giving, caring and attuned, but not to the extent that I am left with no self. And I especially don’t want to teach people this is an ideal way to be.
This selfless quality, for me, is a shadow aspect of the mother. It was a boundary wake up call.
It’s important to remember this about boundaries: boundaries are different than requests.
- Requests are what we communicate (verbally or otherwise) to others for directions on how to treat us
- Boundaries are how we uphold these requests
Many times we react with anger after our boundaries have been crossed and think this is setting a boundary. It’s not a boundary, it’s a reaction to a boundary being crossed. Can you feel the difference?
Now, it may be that some whole ass did cross a boundary and we enforced it with appropriate anger. This is healthy aggression.
But with our loved ones, friends or colleagues, we may expect them to know our boundaries without ever requesting them explicitly or setting them energetically. This takes clarity.
Another thing to remember in general is sensitive systems often bear the burden of social contracts. Practice knowing, requesting and enforcing your boundaries. This is a how we deepen our self knowing and individuation. Boundaries are a nervous system healing necessity. Remember, we know them somatically, by feeling.
We can’t control all the conditions (that’s anxiety or a trauma response) BUT, we do get to request how folks act in relation to us.
People have choice in how they respond.
When our boundaries are ignored is where it gets uncomfortable for everyone. This now requires more energy on our part. We may have to build the resources for this. This is also a nervous system piece.
If we’ve had places where our boundaries were ruptured for whatever reason, boundaries will be hard for us. A rupture is just what it sounds like, a break in our boundary or safety bubble.
If our boundaries have been ruptured or ignored, we may need to build up energy just to create said boundary. We may use up all our energy resources setting our boundary, and then have no energy left to enforce it.
Sound familiar?
Most humans are wounded, haven’t healed it, and end up blowing this unhealed energy through other humans (explicitly or implicitly.)
Setting boundaries helps stop this cycle.
One of the ways we know a boundary has been crossed is irritation, anger or rage—somewhere within this spectrum of emotions.
As we learn to heal, request and hold more healthy boundaries as both women and men, we contribute to a more loving, cooperative and empathetic world. We mature and individuate. We create partnerships instead of competitions. We shift social status hierarchies, even if it’s just in our own small but mighty world.
Setting boundaries is a somatic, nervous system and body led journey. We know boundaries are crossed by literally feeling it. We may need to slow things down to notice what’s happening. This is a form of somatic healing.
My friend, this is how we change the world — one heart, one boundary, one respectful connection at a time.