(The Cosmic Split)
My days have been spent untangling intersecting lines of remembrance
Each with its own unique pull on my heart,
Without which I am not me.
All of them leading, if I’m honest,
To a place I’ve refused to go,
Not for lack of desperate desire—
It’s more complicated than that.
In all of the confusion, through gateways and doorways,
I simply got turned around
And could no longer hear my song
The way I had planned.
In that darkness, surrounded by the invisible pulse,
I, myself, was utterly alone, in deafening silence
Passionately enraged in my abandonment.
But it is more complicated than that.
The truth is, I did find that thread, the one
Long, long ago
Yet my sorrowful heart, burdened with convictions,
Ashamed in incompetence
Whispered it was better this way…
Because if once missed, others were sure to follow,
Determined by choice, then, to forgo belonging,
To become Queen of The Edge (of which there are many)
Forever longing to fly,
Watching the wind catch them, one after another,
Convinced of my position as competent witness.
This is no lineage to pass on, by the way,
Yet I did,
Unintentionally, of course
Until she, through silent certainty,
At the perfectly arriving moment,
Enveloped me with the darkest of wings.
Oh, I know, you must be thinking,
It wasn’t that way,
She, my angel, a shadowed glimpse of myself,
Was immune to my protests
And held fast.
It was she who took my small, damp hand,
Tethered to regret, consumed with shame,
Alone and confused,
And wordlessly ferried me to the undeniable,
Weaving my small hand back to its rightful place into pillars of golden light.
I will tell you,
It is taking some time, as things always do here,
For the space of my mind
To fully believe what my unfettered heart has finally found.
Mostly though, I wanted to say,
I’m truly sorry for ever breaking your heart.